so me and hundreds of other last minute tax returners qued @ the inland revenue office by warren street tube... having felt a certain affirmation in who i am over these past few days (i am he who does his tax return at the last minute) it was eerie to be amongst so many others, also kind of a purgatory air to it...
toyed with just handing it in but i decided to opt for the longer, slower que for help... got to the front of this que, (que? how do you spell that word?) and a nice woman asked if she could answer my question or whether i wanted to wait even longer for a tax advisor, only she didn't put it like that and i foolishly asked her my question...
and not only did she throw doubt on my thinking, she threw doubt with that of course not tone of voice, that look in her eyes... well of course it's not like that...
well i'd better talk to an advisor then, you're sure though? because i if this is true then i'm wrong and i've been wrong for...
so i took my seat in a decidedly shaken manner, waiting for an advisor, this tax return business has so scared me over the years and my relative calm these days is so hard won, sent right back to my original state of bewilderment 4 or so years ago when a very nice man answered the phone and told me that it was alright and i just had to put this number here, this number there... a perfect example of good work, unmatched in any of my dealings with the inland revenue since then...
my turn came, i sat down with an advisor, she looked at my figures, she tapped it into her computer,... correct to the pence.
but if i'd been told that at the start by...
she is a receptionist, not a tax advisor.
and that's just that, and in the end glad to be validated even if i had to have the scary doubt first... one more step towards further peace in dealing with the inland revenue, and i would tell myself never to be like that first woman today but there's no way i could be like her... and even as i write this it occurs to me that that just isn't true, i'd like to think i'll never make someone doubt their truth in that dismissive way when they're right but who knows maybe i do it too?
but the point is it's done, handed in, over...
and that's what this day feels like, freedom,
that and pulling P towards me in the park stealing a few kisses...
x
Monday, January 31, 2005
harmonic experience music creation
fernando pessoa remains missing so i lugged harmonic experience over to P's to read on the weekend, spent saturday night reading through with rapt attention as Mr Matthieu took me through how the just intonation scale is constructed from perfect 5ths and major 3rds which in turn are entirely part of the harmonic series, a string vibrates at a frequency, it also vibrates at twice that frequency in two sections, (an octave up), at three times the frequency in three sections (perfect 5th), four times (2 octaves)... five times (major third)....
when i was a teenager i found out that each note on the piano had a frequency, i don't remember exactly what it was that i tried to do but i remember excitedly calculating frequencies... waiting for the numbers to add up as i travelled up the piano, C to shining C... but they didn't add up... i put it down to my mistake in calculation but it's clear these days that on a normal piano the numbers don't add up, equal temperament skewed almost all the notes so that we can modulate between keys at the expense of the pure resonating intervals which would make the numbers work...
anyway, sunday was gorgeous as i went deeper into the theory and P went deeper into reason, partly following some very individual techniques imparted by R the night before... although her and his ways are very different, you have to find your own way in the end... just really nice to be both working in something, together but travelling in different ways in our heads...
this happiness also to do with the tax return nearing it's completion, (at this point almost filled in, to be handed in this afternoon...)...
really nice to have this weight lifted from me, to be in love, to be stimulated by this harmonic thing...
x
when i was a teenager i found out that each note on the piano had a frequency, i don't remember exactly what it was that i tried to do but i remember excitedly calculating frequencies... waiting for the numbers to add up as i travelled up the piano, C to shining C... but they didn't add up... i put it down to my mistake in calculation but it's clear these days that on a normal piano the numbers don't add up, equal temperament skewed almost all the notes so that we can modulate between keys at the expense of the pure resonating intervals which would make the numbers work...
anyway, sunday was gorgeous as i went deeper into the theory and P went deeper into reason, partly following some very individual techniques imparted by R the night before... although her and his ways are very different, you have to find your own way in the end... just really nice to be both working in something, together but travelling in different ways in our heads...
this happiness also to do with the tax return nearing it's completion, (at this point almost filled in, to be handed in this afternoon...)...
really nice to have this weight lifted from me, to be in love, to be stimulated by this harmonic thing...
x
Saturday, January 29, 2005
numbers return
ok, i've got my numbers in place, worked out what i'm putting in my tax return, just have to sit down with the actual beast and write those numbers in, this gets less scary every year, but of course to get to this point i had to go through 8 hours on tuesday, then 4 - 5 hours on thursday night procrastinating, so the fear is still there, just expressing itself in avoidance...
how my excel spreadsheet helps me, how i love thee oh application and document...
rehearsed with kyo last night, P was there right at the beginning and met them, kookie bunch of dysfunctionals that they are... found out that the gig i'm doing with them next saturday night is partly run by the small world stage, those friendly characters who i played accordion for (badly) in the absence of my keyboard @ the turaya gathering.
the second really long rehearsal after a full day of work this week, the musician's life, slept well and long when i got in...
some reminders of why i left kyo last night but in all a lovely thing to be playing with them, in the middle about whether to join up again...
ok, P @ the gym and maybe i can actually get the numbers in the form before she gets back... looking forward to the organisational energy that finishing the tax return often gives me... or am i making that up?
x
how my excel spreadsheet helps me, how i love thee oh application and document...
rehearsed with kyo last night, P was there right at the beginning and met them, kookie bunch of dysfunctionals that they are... found out that the gig i'm doing with them next saturday night is partly run by the small world stage, those friendly characters who i played accordion for (badly) in the absence of my keyboard @ the turaya gathering.
the second really long rehearsal after a full day of work this week, the musician's life, slept well and long when i got in...
some reminders of why i left kyo last night but in all a lovely thing to be playing with them, in the middle about whether to join up again...
ok, P @ the gym and maybe i can actually get the numbers in the form before she gets back... looking forward to the organisational energy that finishing the tax return often gives me... or am i making that up?
x
Friday, January 28, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
continuing adventures of tax return control freak
i have just discovered two things which effect my completion of this tax return, i must have known both of these things somewhere in my brain...
i go to the inland revenue's website where my tax return promises me i can file it electronically, and of which i had an uneasy feeling...
whereupon i see a huge ad with the date january 31st written in big letters, this is the first of my two discoveries, january has 31 days... not 30 as i'd been assuming, which means that the last day i can hand in my tax return is in fact monday and not friday (tomorrow) as i'd previously thought, i'm working until 1pm on monday and i could quite feasibly get up to the tax office before it shuts after that...
wow...
so tonight is not my last possible night for doing it...
the website then leads me through the registration process for filing online.. uneasiness abating... i'm begining to think it's all going my way when...:
to activate this service you will need your activation PIN, we will send you your PIN by post and it should reach you within seven working days....
seven working days...
this is the second of my two dicoveries, that in fact i will not be able to file my tax return online, and that had i done this two weeks ago, i would have been able to... nice...
in fact i did exactly this last year, waited until the very last moment & then found i should have done something sooner, hence my uneasy feeling, but at least i've registered now, 12 months before i'll need to use it, i'll get my PIN in the post, which only lasts for a month, i'll forget to use it, a year will pass, i'll go online with a sinking feeling only hours before i'm eligible for the £100 fine... i see it all so clearly...
now continuing adventures of tax return is the name of a tune i wrote in january of 2003? 2002? when i was living with busby.. a track that me & nippy jammed with and were going to do in longcat & hermione, our duo that never got off the ground... which is elliptical because now i'm in nippy's band, rehearsed with them last night after running search & reflect workshops all day...
edge is the guitarist for nippy, he who i had such emotional wierdness about being in my band, (i doubt i blogged it, too murky), my issues were about control, amongst other things, and i looked on nippy's band as a way i could check out how me & edge get on in someone else's thing, not so pressured...
and it is so clear how he needs to be in control in that band, which is just what nippy needs in fact, that was the trouble before, a lack of a musical director, & edge fills those shoes... but the dynamic between the musicians hasn't really settled yet, he's giving out his ideas and putting things in place... we'll see how the others handle it...
in KYO there was / is a real feeling of community, in that each player brings to it what they want, maybe not community but festival... i hesitate to use the word democracy... (rehearsing with them tomorrow night)... on my birthday last summer i had D & S, (S likening D to an african dictator), from different ends of this control / anarchy spectrum, S percussioning for KYO, D running his own band, tightly...
and where is my 4-piece amongst all of this, aside from being more in my head than in reality, more with the KYO school i am, let the music blossom, but maybe i could have been / be a stronger organising force, or at least maybe in the absence of that tighter control from me edge saw it as a power vacuum and acted in the way that so disturbed me...
wierd to talk about music, which is so beautiful and free flowing, and also to talk about power vacuums and control...
x
i go to the inland revenue's website where my tax return promises me i can file it electronically, and of which i had an uneasy feeling...
whereupon i see a huge ad with the date january 31st written in big letters, this is the first of my two discoveries, january has 31 days... not 30 as i'd been assuming, which means that the last day i can hand in my tax return is in fact monday and not friday (tomorrow) as i'd previously thought, i'm working until 1pm on monday and i could quite feasibly get up to the tax office before it shuts after that...
wow...
so tonight is not my last possible night for doing it...
the website then leads me through the registration process for filing online.. uneasiness abating... i'm begining to think it's all going my way when...:
to activate this service you will need your activation PIN, we will send you your PIN by post and it should reach you within seven working days....
seven working days...
this is the second of my two dicoveries, that in fact i will not be able to file my tax return online, and that had i done this two weeks ago, i would have been able to... nice...
in fact i did exactly this last year, waited until the very last moment & then found i should have done something sooner, hence my uneasy feeling, but at least i've registered now, 12 months before i'll need to use it, i'll get my PIN in the post, which only lasts for a month, i'll forget to use it, a year will pass, i'll go online with a sinking feeling only hours before i'm eligible for the £100 fine... i see it all so clearly...
now continuing adventures of tax return is the name of a tune i wrote in january of 2003? 2002? when i was living with busby.. a track that me & nippy jammed with and were going to do in longcat & hermione, our duo that never got off the ground... which is elliptical because now i'm in nippy's band, rehearsed with them last night after running search & reflect workshops all day...
edge is the guitarist for nippy, he who i had such emotional wierdness about being in my band, (i doubt i blogged it, too murky), my issues were about control, amongst other things, and i looked on nippy's band as a way i could check out how me & edge get on in someone else's thing, not so pressured...
and it is so clear how he needs to be in control in that band, which is just what nippy needs in fact, that was the trouble before, a lack of a musical director, & edge fills those shoes... but the dynamic between the musicians hasn't really settled yet, he's giving out his ideas and putting things in place... we'll see how the others handle it...
in KYO there was / is a real feeling of community, in that each player brings to it what they want, maybe not community but festival... i hesitate to use the word democracy... (rehearsing with them tomorrow night)... on my birthday last summer i had D & S, (S likening D to an african dictator), from different ends of this control / anarchy spectrum, S percussioning for KYO, D running his own band, tightly...
and where is my 4-piece amongst all of this, aside from being more in my head than in reality, more with the KYO school i am, let the music blossom, but maybe i could have been / be a stronger organising force, or at least maybe in the absence of that tighter control from me edge saw it as a power vacuum and acted in the way that so disturbed me...
wierd to talk about music, which is so beautiful and free flowing, and also to talk about power vacuums and control...
x
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
travelling through time
ok, now it's 12:50 am and i did finally begin the tax return, about an hour ago, in all i spent about 8 hours reading internet comics today, i feel i've achieved something.
i just finished megatokyo... in one scene, piro & seraphim are in london, they make reference to that david blane hanging in a glass box over the thames with no food thing he did, which i remember, tomorrow morning is the start of a 2 week search & reflect intensive (which will be the end of P being my student - as an aside), about a year and a half ago we were teaching an intensive to a different course and i remember going up to the river to see the box... anyway, seeing that frame in the comic connected me with that time, & it occurred to me that the tax return is all about what i did between april 2003 and april 2004, and this afternoon i have read through past episodes of megatokyo spanning at least that time, i've been travelling through the same time i should have been investigating my finances in...
i like that,
i also like this tax return process in general, i know that seems unlikely, given my ability to procrastinate so fully and so lengthily, but trawling through my stuff, trying to find the payslip from the right month, picking up invoices, reciepts, is this from that time? gradually recreating my life back then, making it real for a little while so i can think about my money over that time... the things it brings up, the envelopes with lyrics or notes scribbled on them, books i read back then... an evocation of a past time, from 22 to 10 months ago, a time before i was blogging.
and next year i'll do exactly the same with this time i'm living now...
x
i just finished megatokyo... in one scene, piro & seraphim are in london, they make reference to that david blane hanging in a glass box over the thames with no food thing he did, which i remember, tomorrow morning is the start of a 2 week search & reflect intensive (which will be the end of P being my student - as an aside), about a year and a half ago we were teaching an intensive to a different course and i remember going up to the river to see the box... anyway, seeing that frame in the comic connected me with that time, & it occurred to me that the tax return is all about what i did between april 2003 and april 2004, and this afternoon i have read through past episodes of megatokyo spanning at least that time, i've been travelling through the same time i should have been investigating my finances in...
i like that,
i also like this tax return process in general, i know that seems unlikely, given my ability to procrastinate so fully and so lengthily, but trawling through my stuff, trying to find the payslip from the right month, picking up invoices, reciepts, is this from that time? gradually recreating my life back then, making it real for a little while so i can think about my money over that time... the things it brings up, the envelopes with lyrics or notes scribbled on them, books i read back then... an evocation of a past time, from 22 to 10 months ago, a time before i was blogging.
and next year i'll do exactly the same with this time i'm living now...
x
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
fallen tax return strategy foiled
set aside this afternoon for my tax return, got home from work about 3 hours ago, so far nothing... typical procrastination, fallen and megatokyo have been entertaining me, really got into these online comics now, i'm struck by the link between these and the fernando pessoa book i'm reading (although i've mislaid it for the past couple of days), but more on that another time,
megatokyo is up to episode 664 (i'm currently on about 300), fallen thankfully only goes to 61, so far, i'm up to date now with questionable content and fallen (although i got a little confused with an old site for fallen, but i understand now), the massive openendedness of megatokyo both draws me in and scares me...
the book of disquiet by pessoa also scares me in a similar way, i'm up to about 150 of 481, each one a fragment, sometimes bearing no relation to what came before, at least fernando pessoa is dead and won't be writing any more, and this book is a physical thing that won't get bigger, unless i start writing in the margins... the way my brain deals with the numbered entries... just how many are there? how far am i? strange to have the two very different things linked like this...
anyway, i must get this tax business sorted, turn off the computetr for awhile...
x
megatokyo is up to episode 664 (i'm currently on about 300), fallen thankfully only goes to 61, so far, i'm up to date now with questionable content and fallen (although i got a little confused with an old site for fallen, but i understand now), the massive openendedness of megatokyo both draws me in and scares me...
the book of disquiet by pessoa also scares me in a similar way, i'm up to about 150 of 481, each one a fragment, sometimes bearing no relation to what came before, at least fernando pessoa is dead and won't be writing any more, and this book is a physical thing that won't get bigger, unless i start writing in the margins... the way my brain deals with the numbered entries... just how many are there? how far am i? strange to have the two very different things linked like this...
anyway, i must get this tax business sorted, turn off the computetr for awhile...
x
Monday, January 24, 2005
3 images
standing with P @ her window this morning, 6:30am, watching a very small flurry of snow lit up by the street light outside... snow which stopped falling almost immediately...
standing either at archway, or tottenham court road on the platform as our train comes in, my face very close to hers, almost touching, i smell the sea side in her hair, something to do with the ozone down there...
standing outside the gym where she works, waiting to see her in her costume, there is a pizza express right next door, with a silver box containing the menu attached to the wall, on top of this box is an upside down bottle of dressing, at first it looks connected to the box, but it is not... put it in my pocket, she comes out looking amazing... i come to work... i'm early for once...
x
standing either at archway, or tottenham court road on the platform as our train comes in, my face very close to hers, almost touching, i smell the sea side in her hair, something to do with the ozone down there...
standing outside the gym where she works, waiting to see her in her costume, there is a pizza express right next door, with a silver box containing the menu attached to the wall, on top of this box is an upside down bottle of dressing, at first it looks connected to the box, but it is not... put it in my pocket, she comes out looking amazing... i come to work... i'm early for once...
x
Saturday, January 22, 2005
regenerative power of drum and bass
so after teaching all day, on not enough sleep, then setting up the students gig, then doing the gig (played two or three times), then packing down the gig,... by 10:30 i was vacant and nowhere... ate some pasta on the recomendation of spanna, met P, she gave me some ephrigem (that's what it sounded like) - some herbal root thing, met with spanna, found the end (the club), P's ex and spanna's ex there as well,....
how on earth did i dance all night? how do i feel ok now?
the answer ladies and gentleman is the regenerative power of drum and bass and i am here to tell you about it.
me & spanna used to dance to old school jungle years ago, PM scientist, movement & metalheadz (both of which are still going), around that time i was also playing in a breakbeat band hotel full of cops, playing in clubs,...
in the years in between then and now drum and bass became a little more boring, the breaks (beats) more formulaic, less of the chaotic and more of the predictable,...
when we got to the club Gilles Peterson was playing, he who has disappointed once or twice in the past both for me & spangle, but who P loves...
and he didn't disappoint last night, really great sound, mc dynamite on the mic, lovely, lovely bass business going on, quite housy in places, his drum and bass bits didn't do it so much for me...
but we weren't there for him, and just after 12:30 am our reason for being (there) came on in the shape of dj marky, old friend of P's, turntablist extroardinaire, and he proceeded to blow us away for over 4 hours...
his first couple of tunes had the feel of the more recent drum and bass that doesn't do it for me, but either i opened my ears or he switched to a new thing because i danced almost all night to his set, messy breaks, fantastic sound, huge bass...
one moment: he puts on this acid sounding riff, 3's over the 4 beat, builds up, a sound and feeling i love, it reaches it's apex, i leap into the air, as my feet touch the ground a huge messy, bass driven sound breaks over us and the place goes wild... within seconds it stops, rewinds are called for, me & P yelling at the dj, my voice almost completely gone at this point but i'm shouting all the portuguese swear words i know, it starts again, we know it's coming so it's even better, the break comes in, what a sound, it stops again... more shouting, hands in the air, once more the build up... finally the whole tune is allowed to run it's course and it is amazing...
how nice to have both P and spangle there as well, what love there was in that room, spanna left around 4, me and P stayed almost to the end, 4:45 we stumbled outside, exactly 12 hours ago in fact, had a non-verbal exchange of yells with spangle's ex, spoke a little with P's ex...
P was amazing, so the dancer, fantastic that we've finally gone out dancing together... also one or two beautiful slow kisses somehow mirroring the deep, deep basslines while the uptempo breaks shook over our heads...
x
how on earth did i dance all night? how do i feel ok now?
the answer ladies and gentleman is the regenerative power of drum and bass and i am here to tell you about it.
me & spanna used to dance to old school jungle years ago, PM scientist, movement & metalheadz (both of which are still going), around that time i was also playing in a breakbeat band hotel full of cops, playing in clubs,...
in the years in between then and now drum and bass became a little more boring, the breaks (beats) more formulaic, less of the chaotic and more of the predictable,...
when we got to the club Gilles Peterson was playing, he who has disappointed once or twice in the past both for me & spangle, but who P loves...
and he didn't disappoint last night, really great sound, mc dynamite on the mic, lovely, lovely bass business going on, quite housy in places, his drum and bass bits didn't do it so much for me...
but we weren't there for him, and just after 12:30 am our reason for being (there) came on in the shape of dj marky, old friend of P's, turntablist extroardinaire, and he proceeded to blow us away for over 4 hours...
his first couple of tunes had the feel of the more recent drum and bass that doesn't do it for me, but either i opened my ears or he switched to a new thing because i danced almost all night to his set, messy breaks, fantastic sound, huge bass...
one moment: he puts on this acid sounding riff, 3's over the 4 beat, builds up, a sound and feeling i love, it reaches it's apex, i leap into the air, as my feet touch the ground a huge messy, bass driven sound breaks over us and the place goes wild... within seconds it stops, rewinds are called for, me & P yelling at the dj, my voice almost completely gone at this point but i'm shouting all the portuguese swear words i know, it starts again, we know it's coming so it's even better, the break comes in, what a sound, it stops again... more shouting, hands in the air, once more the build up... finally the whole tune is allowed to run it's course and it is amazing...
how nice to have both P and spangle there as well, what love there was in that room, spanna left around 4, me and P stayed almost to the end, 4:45 we stumbled outside, exactly 12 hours ago in fact, had a non-verbal exchange of yells with spangle's ex, spoke a little with P's ex...
P was amazing, so the dancer, fantastic that we've finally gone out dancing together... also one or two beautiful slow kisses somehow mirroring the deep, deep basslines while the uptempo breaks shook over our heads...
x
Sunday, January 16, 2005
drug bust baby sitting sleep deprived questionable content
so now they're recycling those orange please turn off your mobile phones in this film adverts, before enemy of the state which i've seen several times already and told myself i would only watch the beginning of (what a lie, i always fall for it), they showed the roy schneider one, i'm fond of them, and this one is a good one (once you've seen one this many times it wears off a little but still...) anyway, in the cinema roy says a big drug bust... but on telly they've taken out the word drug, he says it with such gusto as well, it's great... anyway, television audiences that much more sensitive to drug references i guess...
watched the film all the way to the end, i do like it, even though i really wanted to be in bed hours ago, if i go to bed right now i'll get just under 7 & a half hours, and that simply isn't going to be enough....
grace round here on saturday - afternoon and night, P loves her and grace loves P, really nice as ever seeing grace and really nice how my love and my goddaughter get on really well, it helped having P around, but even so it was much easier than it could have been, suggested to josiah that i have grace once a month, now they're in brighton they don't spend much time apart, josiah with not so many friends down there as here...
balthazara, me, P & grace all in (or on) the same bed last night, of course they all slept better than me... and now that very same bed calls to me, just me (although balthazara may well come say hello)...
oh and i've found an online comic that i'm warming to, i think it's up to episode 274 now & i'm reading through from the start, (i'm @ 100), reminds (in the way that i'm reading it) me of a blog i read through by this comedian who had been working in a porn video store, very funny, spanned a year or two, kept me going for a while in humour and humanity...
x
watched the film all the way to the end, i do like it, even though i really wanted to be in bed hours ago, if i go to bed right now i'll get just under 7 & a half hours, and that simply isn't going to be enough....
grace round here on saturday - afternoon and night, P loves her and grace loves P, really nice as ever seeing grace and really nice how my love and my goddaughter get on really well, it helped having P around, but even so it was much easier than it could have been, suggested to josiah that i have grace once a month, now they're in brighton they don't spend much time apart, josiah with not so many friends down there as here...
balthazara, me, P & grace all in (or on) the same bed last night, of course they all slept better than me... and now that very same bed calls to me, just me (although balthazara may well come say hello)...
oh and i've found an online comic that i'm warming to, i think it's up to episode 274 now & i'm reading through from the start, (i'm @ 100), reminds (in the way that i'm reading it) me of a blog i read through by this comedian who had been working in a porn video store, very funny, spanned a year or two, kept me going for a while in humour and humanity...
x
Saturday, January 15, 2005
gillian welch
just a quick one, with all this napster stuff i've been reading about, i downloaded almost the whole album Time (The Revelator) by Gillian Welch, K (spinsta) burnt me a copy of it a year or so ago that i've lost somewhere in this room, after i saw her @ the shepherds bush empire i really wanted to hear it but couldn't find it at all, now i have soulseek i've put it to use but she's someone i'd like to pay money to... i was in ray's jazz shop before christmas with D and i almost bought it for myself then but they didn't have it... the upshot is that i've gone to amazon and bought it, taking advantage of this no doubt brief period when i appear have a few quid, it should arrive monday...
x
x
Friday, January 14, 2005
gazelles walking knots oneness
getting off the tube @ finsbury park one is first presented with the stairs, many like me climb these stairs two at a time and i sometimes return to a thought i had about these people - likening them to gazelles, so often do i travel on the tube that i'm pretty organised about it and i'm often the first person to get to the stairs, allowing me to bound up them unimpeded, but sometimes i'm near the rear of the pack of "ahead of the crowd" stair climbers, and that is when they appear like gazelles to me...
i then turn left and then right, following the tunnel that is split down the middle into two opposite directions, it is primarily here, although sometimes also on the street, that i think about knots.
being a fast walker as i am, it's all about being unimpeded, overtaking other pedestrians only to see a knot ahead of me that takes up the entire walkway, vexes me. but i remind myself that it's not really an entity, it's a random collection of individual entities and if i am patient it will unravel of its own accord, often i will see a knot ahead and try and find ways to get round it, but by the time i reach the level of the knot it has ceased to be a knot, is in fact nothing...
this mental relaxing as i see knots reminds me of something E told me once that her dad had told her, something i tried to remind her of when i saw her in the very end of the year but of which she had no memory... she said (ten or so years ago) that while walking down a busy street you should somehow enter into a state of oneness with the street, and if you can do it you find that you don't bump into anyone... (what a groovy dad i thought)...
these days i think about it mainly when i'm having a please bump into me day and i'm clearly not meant to be out on the pavements, couldn't be less "at one with the street"
finished sonic boom by john alderman today, written in 2001 about the napster / mp3 / record industry world, a little frustrating to have been written then and not now, the 4 years that have passed since then, how have they affected it all? napster came back online last year - i guess in it's corporate friendly form - i wonder what that's like? a good book, some great stuff in there from some very interesting people, this from robert fripp:
"The RIAA represents the interests of the majors. The interests of the majors are contrary to the interests of artists. The RIAA does not represent the interests of artists, and to suggest this is fundamentally dishonest.
The RIAA does not have the aim of making music available to the listening community. Napster does make music available to the listening community. The RIAA does not represent artists. Napster does not represent artists either.
The good news: Napster demonstrates the importance which people attach to having music in their lives. This is legitimate: music is a need in our lives.
The bad news: the public at large is prepared to act illegitimately to serve this legitimate impulse.
The challenge: to legitimize, validate & redeem the clearly demonstrated want, wish, need & intent to share with others music which we value."
Robert Fripp's Diary
Wednesday 2nd. August, 2000
anyway, P coming over, hungry as ever, grace coming tomorrow...
x
i then turn left and then right, following the tunnel that is split down the middle into two opposite directions, it is primarily here, although sometimes also on the street, that i think about knots.
being a fast walker as i am, it's all about being unimpeded, overtaking other pedestrians only to see a knot ahead of me that takes up the entire walkway, vexes me. but i remind myself that it's not really an entity, it's a random collection of individual entities and if i am patient it will unravel of its own accord, often i will see a knot ahead and try and find ways to get round it, but by the time i reach the level of the knot it has ceased to be a knot, is in fact nothing...
this mental relaxing as i see knots reminds me of something E told me once that her dad had told her, something i tried to remind her of when i saw her in the very end of the year but of which she had no memory... she said (ten or so years ago) that while walking down a busy street you should somehow enter into a state of oneness with the street, and if you can do it you find that you don't bump into anyone... (what a groovy dad i thought)...
these days i think about it mainly when i'm having a please bump into me day and i'm clearly not meant to be out on the pavements, couldn't be less "at one with the street"
finished sonic boom by john alderman today, written in 2001 about the napster / mp3 / record industry world, a little frustrating to have been written then and not now, the 4 years that have passed since then, how have they affected it all? napster came back online last year - i guess in it's corporate friendly form - i wonder what that's like? a good book, some great stuff in there from some very interesting people, this from robert fripp:
"The RIAA represents the interests of the majors. The interests of the majors are contrary to the interests of artists. The RIAA does not represent the interests of artists, and to suggest this is fundamentally dishonest.
The RIAA does not have the aim of making music available to the listening community. Napster does make music available to the listening community. The RIAA does not represent artists. Napster does not represent artists either.
The good news: Napster demonstrates the importance which people attach to having music in their lives. This is legitimate: music is a need in our lives.
The bad news: the public at large is prepared to act illegitimately to serve this legitimate impulse.
The challenge: to legitimize, validate & redeem the clearly demonstrated want, wish, need & intent to share with others music which we value."
Robert Fripp's Diary
Wednesday 2nd. August, 2000
anyway, P coming over, hungry as ever, grace coming tomorrow...
x
balthazara blue light constellations
dr K was given an obscure flashing light for christmas which she gave to me, written on the bottom:
Diections: put it in the water,
flash automatically
MADE IN CHINA
grace liked it when she was here just after new year so i wanted to give it to her but once she & her mum were safely on the train to brighton i found i still had it in my pocket, balthazara likes it, it lives under my bed, when i came home tonight after the rehearsal it had stopped flashing, just a steady, dim, blue light, maybe i should put it in water like the diections say...?
lack of sleep made today a little tricky, there seemed to be a subtle tension at play towards the end of the day, my energy level was plumetting so it could have been just in my head, hard to say, but i felt it...
as i came home from the tube tonight after the rehearsal i caught sight of the night sky and stood with my head tilted back and gazed at it, all the constellations, the handful that i know, the hundreds that i don't know... orion standing out, the night before (last night - wednesday night) - stood at P's window looking out over london, looking at the stars, asking her if she knew any constellations, pointing out orion to her... a romantic dream i used to have as a kid that i would be stood one day with a beautiful woman pointing out stars to her...
balthazara here and sweet to me...
x
Diections: put it in the water,
flash automatically
MADE IN CHINA
grace liked it when she was here just after new year so i wanted to give it to her but once she & her mum were safely on the train to brighton i found i still had it in my pocket, balthazara likes it, it lives under my bed, when i came home tonight after the rehearsal it had stopped flashing, just a steady, dim, blue light, maybe i should put it in water like the diections say...?
lack of sleep made today a little tricky, there seemed to be a subtle tension at play towards the end of the day, my energy level was plumetting so it could have been just in my head, hard to say, but i felt it...
as i came home from the tube tonight after the rehearsal i caught sight of the night sky and stood with my head tilted back and gazed at it, all the constellations, the handful that i know, the hundreds that i don't know... orion standing out, the night before (last night - wednesday night) - stood at P's window looking out over london, looking at the stars, asking her if she knew any constellations, pointing out orion to her... a romantic dream i used to have as a kid that i would be stood one day with a beautiful woman pointing out stars to her...
balthazara here and sweet to me...
x
Thursday, January 13, 2005
bearded tired
P, who cut my hair, likes my unshaven face and is campaigning for a beard albeit subtly...
not that i'm intending to grow a beard but i'm holding off shaving for now... not sure how long it will last, i saw her today at college and i really wanted to tell her about the several people who complemented me on my hair today, i didn't tell her, i will...
i'm gearing up to have a shower then make it across london to nippy's rehearsal, i'm very tired, more than anything i want my bed... but i can't let nippy down...
x
not that i'm intending to grow a beard but i'm holding off shaving for now... not sure how long it will last, i saw her today at college and i really wanted to tell her about the several people who complemented me on my hair today, i didn't tell her, i will...
i'm gearing up to have a shower then make it across london to nippy's rehearsal, i'm very tired, more than anything i want my bed... but i can't let nippy down...
x
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
hungry
first day @ college today, good day, taught well i reckon, i was only observing (double marking) for half the time but had my notation class in the evening, tempting to bring the Mathieu book in but it's way too early, it might well not influence my teaching until next academic year now, i took in a transcription of the complete bassline of too young to die by jamiroquai, taken from a midi file, spent some of the class just following this whilst listening to the track... great track.
P's on her way round and i intend to take her out to my favourite indian restaurant when she gets here, i am STARVING, croissant & smoothie around 2 pm and that's it, that was 7 hours ago and that was my breakfast...!
one of the students i watched this afternoon, doing a presentation about kolb's learning cycle was particularly good, in fact he's the one who i know from before, J, he used to live with D & E over in willesden green, made me think, like all good teachers should, i hope i make my students (including J) think in my lessons...
then i had a chat with C (producer @ college) about selling music over the internet, in particular he mentioned cdbaby & cafepress which i'm going to check out right now, could be a way to get my music out there, maybe i should finish that album after all...?
x
P's on her way round and i intend to take her out to my favourite indian restaurant when she gets here, i am STARVING, croissant & smoothie around 2 pm and that's it, that was 7 hours ago and that was my breakfast...!
one of the students i watched this afternoon, doing a presentation about kolb's learning cycle was particularly good, in fact he's the one who i know from before, J, he used to live with D & E over in willesden green, made me think, like all good teachers should, i hope i make my students (including J) think in my lessons...
then i had a chat with C (producer @ college) about selling music over the internet, in particular he mentioned cdbaby & cafepress which i'm going to check out right now, could be a way to get my music out there, maybe i should finish that album after all...?
x
Monday, January 10, 2005
reengaging learning
sat here, yawning away, trying to program the beats that my student is playing on the drumkit, so that i can show him how it's done and gradually get him to start translating his wealth of drumming knowledge into programming...
only he shifts every 4 bars, i get some of the beat, start listening to the hihat rhythm, then he's off on another one...
i left P in bed this morning and i soooooo wish i was still there....
the first day of school,
(odd to blog twice within a few hours, just wanted to get this report in from the front line)
x
only he shifts every 4 bars, i get some of the beat, start listening to the hihat rhythm, then he's off on another one...
i left P in bed this morning and i soooooo wish i was still there....
the first day of school,
(odd to blog twice within a few hours, just wanted to get this report in from the front line)
x
a slight pain behind my left eye
one of those nights sleep when i was constantly waking up thinking it was 7:30 already, only proving to be 3:30, or 4:30, (surprising accurate on the half hours though), waiting for my students on this first day of school (for me)...
croissant and smoothie were beautiful this morning from S @ finsbury park, fernando pessoa continues to be fantastic in fragments, carried me in to work, a few passages where he's contemplating the sky clearing after a storm... hmmmmm x
harmonic experience arrived on saturday, huge, huge book which looks so, so up my street, took it to highgate to P's new place, read the introduction with nightlight candles balanced on it, P curled up beside me... the book is going to be great, a long process though, of first singing the intervals of just intonation, then relating these to the equal tempered scale... itching to get going...
we slept there for the first time that night, felt really nice, safe, she was talking about a pain behind her eye then and now she's (probably) curled asleep feeling really rough, forgot my echinacea when i went over there on saturday (we dosed ourselves up with it when we got to mine last night), if what i've got is what she has, i wonder what difference that echinacea will make, dr K prescribing vitamin pills for both of us last night... i'm determined to be strong and not let it get me, which of course could be just foolishness but that's my story and i'm sticking to it.
where are these students?
oh, to be in bed getting a few more hours...
x
croissant and smoothie were beautiful this morning from S @ finsbury park, fernando pessoa continues to be fantastic in fragments, carried me in to work, a few passages where he's contemplating the sky clearing after a storm... hmmmmm x
harmonic experience arrived on saturday, huge, huge book which looks so, so up my street, took it to highgate to P's new place, read the introduction with nightlight candles balanced on it, P curled up beside me... the book is going to be great, a long process though, of first singing the intervals of just intonation, then relating these to the equal tempered scale... itching to get going...
we slept there for the first time that night, felt really nice, safe, she was talking about a pain behind her eye then and now she's (probably) curled asleep feeling really rough, forgot my echinacea when i went over there on saturday (we dosed ourselves up with it when we got to mine last night), if what i've got is what she has, i wonder what difference that echinacea will make, dr K prescribing vitamin pills for both of us last night... i'm determined to be strong and not let it get me, which of course could be just foolishness but that's my story and i'm sticking to it.
where are these students?
oh, to be in bed getting a few more hours...
x
Saturday, January 08, 2005
bop it sorcerers cake
after hearing a radio programme about nick drake the other day, listening to how he got a break in the late 60's it's nice to link it in my mind with this film that was on TV tonight, The Sorcerers, made in london in 1967 by Michael Reeves who was 23 when he made this one & made one more film: Witchfinder General before he died of an overdose @ 25,
the film takes place partly in a groovy london club, it was made with very little money, it has an elderly couple controlling the mind and experiencing the sensations of a young man... it was pretty great.
this reeves now intrigues me, it seems there's a book about him which could be good...
bop it extreme has entered my life.
T (housemate) has brought it into this house and is trying to get everyone to engage with it, she will almost certainly not succeed with a couple of us but some of us are engaged already...
after the film i went down to the kitchen and spent all together too long trying to work out how to turn the thing on, it has two forms of the game that we're playing on it, one with a voice which tells you what to do along with sound effects, the other with just the sound effects, i appear to be better at it with just the sound effects, what this tells me about myself i'm not altogether sure, oh who is out there who may have written a neurological study of bopit extreme, relating it to different types of learners....?
i also ate cake, the same make of cake that was the best cake we'd ever had on new years eve, it's still pretty damn good cake, even without hallucinogens,
it is really windy.
today i went to the squat in highgate that P is moving into, her room is very high up, it is very windy, really quite eerie, huge, huge place, in the next 12 hours or so the winds are going to be really strong, that house, enduring all that wind...
x
the film takes place partly in a groovy london club, it was made with very little money, it has an elderly couple controlling the mind and experiencing the sensations of a young man... it was pretty great.
this reeves now intrigues me, it seems there's a book about him which could be good...
bop it extreme has entered my life.
T (housemate) has brought it into this house and is trying to get everyone to engage with it, she will almost certainly not succeed with a couple of us but some of us are engaged already...
after the film i went down to the kitchen and spent all together too long trying to work out how to turn the thing on, it has two forms of the game that we're playing on it, one with a voice which tells you what to do along with sound effects, the other with just the sound effects, i appear to be better at it with just the sound effects, what this tells me about myself i'm not altogether sure, oh who is out there who may have written a neurological study of bopit extreme, relating it to different types of learners....?
i also ate cake, the same make of cake that was the best cake we'd ever had on new years eve, it's still pretty damn good cake, even without hallucinogens,
it is really windy.
today i went to the squat in highgate that P is moving into, her room is very high up, it is very windy, really quite eerie, huge, huge place, in the next 12 hours or so the winds are going to be really strong, that house, enduring all that wind...
x
Friday, January 07, 2005
Fernando Pessoa
To live a dispassionate and cultured life in the open air of ideas, reading, dreaming and thinking of writing - a life so slow it constantly verges on tedium, but pondered enough never to find itself there. To live this life far from emotions and thought, living it only in the thought of emotions and in the emotion of thoughts. To goldenly stagnate in the sun, like a murky pond surrounded by flowers. To possess, in the shade, that nobility of spirit that makes no demands on life. To be in the whirl of the worlds like dust of flowers, sailing through the afternoon air on an unknown wind and falling, in the torpor of dusk, wherever it falls, lost among larger things. To be this with a sure understanding, neither happy nor sad, grateful to the sun for its brilliance and to the stars for their remoteness. To be no more, have no more, want no more... The music of the unknown wayfarer, the tracks in the desert of the camel without burden or destination...
number 45, from The Book Of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa, translated by Richard Zenith
number 45, from The Book Of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa, translated by Richard Zenith
Thursday, January 06, 2005
seinfeld
just how great is that seinfeld DVD?
saw today the one with the library detective, played by a very familiar actor, jerry saying that is one tough cookie near the end i really love, i remember it from the first time i saw it,
and it makes me wonder about that other larry david show (is it david?) he who made seinfeld, might download some on bittorrent, check it out,
the DVD also includes extras like the incredibly geeky looking composer talking about the singing on the first episodes theme tune, every time i see an episode i'm amazed by how cheap the music sounds, gotta love it...
x
saw today the one with the library detective, played by a very familiar actor, jerry saying that is one tough cookie near the end i really love, i remember it from the first time i saw it,
and it makes me wonder about that other larry david show (is it david?) he who made seinfeld, might download some on bittorrent, check it out,
the DVD also includes extras like the incredibly geeky looking composer talking about the singing on the first episodes theme tune, every time i see an episode i'm amazed by how cheap the music sounds, gotta love it...
x
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
organ oddness gig yes drums on bus sensual lips ONE MONTH
me & P are today (5/01/05) celebrating one month of being together.
ONE MONTH people, that this beatiful woman and me have been stepping out...
just prior to her leaving here, i've been spending a bit of time @ her place.
she's staying in the room of a friend of hers who is away for awhile, the friend has two keyboard type objects in the room, a YAMAHA keyboard (the italian guitarist i used to work with pronounced this word yaMAha - one of the many endearing things about him) and an old organ, a swinger 300... make unknown, the kind with two keyboards and pedals for the bass notes.
it's been odd playing the organ, odd and nice, trying to coordinate my feet to play basslines, working out what all the buttons do, getting different sounds from it... playing the keyboard as a piano is a nice contrast, i just found myself trying to play the skryabin piece and found that it's fairly well buried... doesn't help trying to play it on a keyboard with not enough notes but it's a peculiar pleasure unearthing that piece i sweated over so much only a month or two ago.
i've tentatively said yes to the KYO gig at the end of the month, rehearsals the week before, it'll be interesting to see how all that goes, musically and group dynamically, bumped into rio on a bus last night coming home with P from an odd but lovely night out with her friend C, (great impersonations), rio heading with his drumkit on the bus to that jam session in muswell hill that i've heard about... hmmm...
and i've met P's ex, by turns rude and polite, on balance he seems like a sweet guy, he has pi written out to the 20th decimal place written on his fridge which he wrote out after a teenth of skunk, he remarked that we look similar but that he has more sensual lips...
x
ONE MONTH people, that this beatiful woman and me have been stepping out...
just prior to her leaving here, i've been spending a bit of time @ her place.
she's staying in the room of a friend of hers who is away for awhile, the friend has two keyboard type objects in the room, a YAMAHA keyboard (the italian guitarist i used to work with pronounced this word yaMAha - one of the many endearing things about him) and an old organ, a swinger 300... make unknown, the kind with two keyboards and pedals for the bass notes.
it's been odd playing the organ, odd and nice, trying to coordinate my feet to play basslines, working out what all the buttons do, getting different sounds from it... playing the keyboard as a piano is a nice contrast, i just found myself trying to play the skryabin piece and found that it's fairly well buried... doesn't help trying to play it on a keyboard with not enough notes but it's a peculiar pleasure unearthing that piece i sweated over so much only a month or two ago.
i've tentatively said yes to the KYO gig at the end of the month, rehearsals the week before, it'll be interesting to see how all that goes, musically and group dynamically, bumped into rio on a bus last night coming home with P from an odd but lovely night out with her friend C, (great impersonations), rio heading with his drumkit on the bus to that jam session in muswell hill that i've heard about... hmmm...
and i've met P's ex, by turns rude and polite, on balance he seems like a sweet guy, he has pi written out to the 20th decimal place written on his fridge which he wrote out after a teenth of skunk, he remarked that we look similar but that he has more sensual lips...
x
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
soulseek is my new napster
back in that happy time, when napster started, hear about a tune at a party, write it down, get home, download it...
my students tell me a song they want to learn on the keyboard, i download it...
then napster went down, audiogalaxy rose from the ashes, audiogalaxy eventually went, or became pay-based, as did napster of course, reopening this year...
so now P's shown me soulseek and it is pleasing me no end,
very sad program on nick drake on radio 2 earlier tonight, his lack of success selling records was one cause of his depression, why didn't they buy his albums in their droves back then in the late 60's early 70's, he could have put out any number of fantastic records,
deression and suicide...
& now i've got enough nick drake to shake a stick at, courtesy of soulseek.
i forgot to mention it but i saw duchess a week ago, the day i came back from blewbury, on the journey to my house i saw her, standoffish as ever, haven't seen her since but at least she's alive...
me & P made a cake last night, spectalularly experimental and really tasty today, made us laugh a great deal, will post a picture of it when i get all that rolling again...
& i spoke to L (double bass player) today, firstly about my stuff but he also asked if i would play @ cargo at the end of the month, KYO...
not decided yet but veering towards yes, i miss performing..
anyway, late at night and my bed awaits,
x
my students tell me a song they want to learn on the keyboard, i download it...
then napster went down, audiogalaxy rose from the ashes, audiogalaxy eventually went, or became pay-based, as did napster of course, reopening this year...
so now P's shown me soulseek and it is pleasing me no end,
very sad program on nick drake on radio 2 earlier tonight, his lack of success selling records was one cause of his depression, why didn't they buy his albums in their droves back then in the late 60's early 70's, he could have put out any number of fantastic records,
deression and suicide...
& now i've got enough nick drake to shake a stick at, courtesy of soulseek.
i forgot to mention it but i saw duchess a week ago, the day i came back from blewbury, on the journey to my house i saw her, standoffish as ever, haven't seen her since but at least she's alive...
me & P made a cake last night, spectalularly experimental and really tasty today, made us laugh a great deal, will post a picture of it when i get all that rolling again...
& i spoke to L (double bass player) today, firstly about my stuff but he also asked if i would play @ cargo at the end of the month, KYO...
not decided yet but veering towards yes, i miss performing..
anyway, late at night and my bed awaits,
x
Saturday, January 01, 2005
the dadas new year
i always think about a song by baba... can't remember his name now, ananda marga is a school of meditation that follows him as their guru, i was once involved in their community and i was working on some arrangements of his songs...
in the first crimson light of this new years delight...
a different fragment comes back to me at different times, but i loved it, the words and the music, i hope i find it someday, either in my random notes from years back, or sung by some dada, F, who recorded me for love & understanding knew me back then and reminded me of the dada's, one guy in particular i was very fond of called dada acalananda, very tall man, long beard, dressed in orange like they all were, initiated me into the meditation, gave me my mantra and my sanskrit name, ravi, he got posted to germany eventually and i lost track of him, i didn't keep up the meditation, although i still see orange clad dada's or didi's @ andrew cohen talks,
he wrote me a letter that i had blutacked to a table by my bed back then, i remember a time when i was really upset by things but i couldn't cry, i hadn't cried for weeks, one day i was lying on my bed without my glasses on and i just started weeping, and i cried for ages, dam bursting, when i came down to earth a little i put on my glasses and i'd been staring at one word from this letter by dada acalananda, but it was unfocussed so i hadn't consciously read it: brother...
it was around that time that i was doing capoeira and my teacher also gave me a name, curio, and when i'm not longcat on the internet i still call myself ravicurio.
anyway, musings from years back, today is the first day of 2005, last night was lovely, delicious, very funny, the cake was the best cake we'd ever tasted...
looking forward with joy, P here and i'm happy,
x
in the first crimson light of this new years delight...
a different fragment comes back to me at different times, but i loved it, the words and the music, i hope i find it someday, either in my random notes from years back, or sung by some dada, F, who recorded me for love & understanding knew me back then and reminded me of the dada's, one guy in particular i was very fond of called dada acalananda, very tall man, long beard, dressed in orange like they all were, initiated me into the meditation, gave me my mantra and my sanskrit name, ravi, he got posted to germany eventually and i lost track of him, i didn't keep up the meditation, although i still see orange clad dada's or didi's @ andrew cohen talks,
he wrote me a letter that i had blutacked to a table by my bed back then, i remember a time when i was really upset by things but i couldn't cry, i hadn't cried for weeks, one day i was lying on my bed without my glasses on and i just started weeping, and i cried for ages, dam bursting, when i came down to earth a little i put on my glasses and i'd been staring at one word from this letter by dada acalananda, but it was unfocussed so i hadn't consciously read it: brother...
it was around that time that i was doing capoeira and my teacher also gave me a name, curio, and when i'm not longcat on the internet i still call myself ravicurio.
anyway, musings from years back, today is the first day of 2005, last night was lovely, delicious, very funny, the cake was the best cake we'd ever tasted...
looking forward with joy, P here and i'm happy,
x
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