Tuesday, August 31, 2004

gay confusion amid dr k's festival stories

dr k back from her nutty weekend full of mad stories,

not mine to tell but funny, funny, funny

x

Monday, August 30, 2004

mad journey from last gig

balthazara loves me again, now cedric nash has gone she gives me affection, but only in the middle of the night,

i have just had the maddest journey, bumped into several old friends...

this after the gig @ cargo. over a decidedly average falafel i was telling D (singer) about my new band, rilke, having quoted rilke's line about watching over the solitude of the other in marriage to A (scottish E & he getting married a week away). D had a troubled look on her face and asked me if i was really going, i said yes that was what i was doing, she said she wished i hadn't told her before the gig, i said i wished she hadn't asked me before the gig,...

news spread to the rest of the band after we played, or even before we played for all i know, they were all in their own way very supportive, lovely, lovely bunch of people.

after my solo in african woman i think i saw tears in D's eyes,

rocking, rocking gig,

if that is to be my last gig with this band then i could not have asked for a better one,

saw M (singer from ama), really nice to talk with her, while shorio were on stage, percussion and drums from kyo. kyo, first time i've named this band in this blog.

strange.

lovely gig, sound guy very good in cargo, joy to play there. felt a little like those times when i'm leaving a house, travelling hime for the last time... really digging the lastness of it...

then i came home, keyboard on my back, sweating like a tench.

round the corner to a cashpoint, people behind me talking about ketamine and acid, lovely idea, chatted a little with them, set the tone of the journey...

over to old street to get a 214 up to angel, who should say my name as i clamber on to the back seat with my stuff but T, who made me remember where i knew him from, he works with A, italian guitarist whose band i was in for years, in fact i've been listening to recording of that band recently, leaving kyo and leaving his outfit not altogether different... T was reading a great book about sleep the last time i saw him, @ a gig in clapham i think it was, scottish E was there i think...

as i clambered off the bus @ angel, apologising to one and all for hitting them with my keyboard, my name again, A smiles at me when i look back, A who i always see at raison d'etre gigs, A who gave his vocal talents to cargo tonight over shorio, along with Y's electric guitar and P's violin (crazy moments), waving to A as the bus departs.

so i lug the keyboard over to the 19 busstop, an N43 rolls up which i consider getting on, but decide to wait for the N19, and someone else comes up to me and says R..? R... K...? it was R who i used to play harp with years ago, he was in the improvised sextet i was in all those years ago,...

all this with the full moon smiling down on us,

all that magic on this last gig night, then finally i get off @ finsbury park & i have a quick march home listening to plump dj's, what madness,

lovely old breakbeat stuff,

spoke alot about vision with M, my water image, finding ways, vision.....

x

Sunday, August 29, 2004

transference of audio worlds protection

soundchecked today already, i was there for at least an hour before i got to set up but this was cool, slept long and well last night, good feeling that that gives me, in contrast with the corrosive nature of sleeplessness,

on my way in (to cargo, where the gig is tonight) i was listening to gorecki's 3rd symphony on my minidisk. part of this renaissance of minidisk listening i'm experiencing. all disks from when i used to minidisk more, several years ago. as i came into the house now, (double locked so i thought i was alone but spski appeared, would have been locked in had he tried to leave), i took the lead i've got plugged into my keyboard in the front room, for just this purpose, and took it to the basement, so i could continue listening to the minidisk, transference of my audio world,

after gorecki had run his course i'd put on protection by massive attack, and following that solid air by john martin, both just the tunes not the albums,... which is similar to the time recently when i was traversing london, dropping keys off to work, stooging about the tate modern, which i wrote about in my letter to cedric nash and hence didn't feel the need to blog particularly. i was listening to a minidisk (aaah, someone who'll watch over me - frank sinatra) made for me by A, (frank interrupted, did i do that when i made the disk? no, my minidisk player is messing with me..)

anyway, this disk A made for me was labeled the hissing of summer lawns, the name of a joni mitchell album, so i assumed it was the album, but it was just the tune, and that about the 4th tune in, originally i thought she'd just intro'd the album with a few other tunes, but no, (ok, my one and and only love, killer opening melody), compilation... i remember walking onto the kingscross thameslink southbound platform as i don't deserve to be lonely by sinead o'connor came on, huge emotions, the disk made for me in that brief period when me & A were happy together, but several of the tunes relating to the dark time that came later,....

and strangely now it's frank singing my funny valentine, which came to me earlier today, sat reading about greg dyke in the observer, waiting to soundcheck, something in the jazz tune that was playing in the restaurant, a turn of phrase that spoke to me of my funny valentine, which i then sang to myself (and slightly to the attractive girl sat across the way from me), one of those nice harmonic things that work even though i'm singing in a different key than the jazz tune in the background. but we know the key is related because i heard the phrase that brought on the song within the jazz tune... i also sang it for my vocal soundcheck a little later, started too high so i was stuck when the tune goes up, had to drop an octave, started singing an improvised mad melody to the words of how i was feeling about singing, pitching. after my soundcheck, briefly running to the loo before the whole band soundchecked, i carried on this song in the acoustic space of the loo, (which i love, the doors open outwards!), something about knowing my own voice, my range,... my mindisk player really messing me up now, massive long pauses for no reason, maybe a head cleaning deal, do minidisk players have heads? laser cleaning? (actually this time it was me interrupting the end of the song with the end of the minidisk)

approaching the end of vertigo, perfect accompaniment to gorecki and vise versa. my world, walking the streets listening to gorecki, resonating wonderfully with sebald's, walking through valleys and gorges to his home village, back for the first time in 30 years. when i got drunk with cedric and edge the other night, really nice to be reading that book again, quoting bits to cedric, about train journeys. cedric talking about taking an old style train up through serbia, stopping for awhile in slovonia? a part of the former yugoslavia where the serbs had been ethnically cleansed by...? i get lost in the politics of that area, but cedric could see this marshland from his train window, where he knew many people had been killed only a few years before... i related this to beyle (stendhal i think) in vertigo, standing in the terrain of the battle of marengo, a few years after the battle. (on cedrics birthday actually 27th september, albeit over 150 years earlier, 1801).

Now, however, he gazed upon the plain, noted the few stark trees, and saw, scattered over a vast area, the bones of perhaps 16,000 men and 4,000 horses that had lost their lives there, already bleached and shining with dew.


Saturday, August 28, 2004

holly o then crystal riddick then pickpocket

so i went to see the chronicles of riddick. and you know it was alright. similar experience to going to see the one last year, similar universe. enjoyed the film for what it was, not a patch on pitch black but then it was never going to be.

left the holly o via a fire exit, amazing transition from plush (although holly o so tatty plush) corridors to echoing chamber. the sound of the door lock opening (the kind where you push down a bar) echoing madly. from carpeted small space to bare big space. footsteps loud... love it.

crossed over the holloway road & was enjoying riddick's character, even after the film, lone outlaw...

went into crystal, ordered my food, sat opposite this guy. when my food arrived he remarked that it was exactly what he was eating, which it was, so we talked about food, restaurants / cafes, crystal being cheap good food that is often too big, against restaurants that charge too much for too little food.

after a while i ask what he does & he calmly tells me he's a pickpocket...

so you're a criminal,
i don't think of it that i'm a criminal, it's my career,
have you ever been caught,
no i'm a really good pickpocket,
...
i'm a piano player, and a teacher...

he tells me after a while that he also works for the local authority, as a children and family worker / social worker, when he's not pickpocketing.

curious, nice guy anyway,

i guess i found it a little glamourous, i could see he enjoyed telling me. in general, a thief is a thief and there's nothing glamourous about it, but in that world of chance encounters and conversations, i'm afraid i'll have to love you and leave you, he said as he left,

peculiar,

then because he was from the same african country josiah's mum is from i rang her, sang down the phone to grace, enjoying the public perception of my relationship to my goddaughter even mediated through telephones.

x

creativity still short on sleep separation beginning

stayed up late last night writing a short story for possible publication on the web, this after empty feeling all day. with that surge of creativity i then vanquished two of my chess opponents, although one of them only says he'll resign since i got his queen, i'd prefer it if he stayed...

so it meant i got to bed late late, rising early early for rehearsal. told the band i'm not doing a certain gig, beginning of separation, funny how all these times recently when i'm pulling away are all days i've had very little sleep before... almost like this is why i'm sleeping so badly.

x

strangely empty feeling all day

that's it, not much more to say than that, sleep patterns all over the place, listened back to the rehearsal yesterday with H cello & edge, clear path forward with my voice, interesting to be setting up a band around this thing that is so fragile,

wonderful program on tv about kew gardens, must visit.

x

Thursday, August 26, 2004

last night for cedric

cedric nash out of here tomorrow, went out and got a half of the famous grouse to sip with him and edge,

lovely rehearsal with H cello, love is lies with cello is even more heart breaking,

warm glow from both whiskey and love

x

recycling a few raised eyebrows

vertigo continues to be wonderfull, no surprises there.

took a load of stuff, old computers, monitors, tv, to the dump, recycled cardboard & plastics, which the council won't pick up from our door, (like they pick up glass, paper & tins). we were in edge's car, we headed straight down to circus space, where spski had a new tv for the house, back up here again, all installed, happiness.

H cello coming round shortly, very much looking forward to that.

a few raised eyebrows that i omitted to mention from the rehearsal on tuesday:

maybe because i'd made my feelings about leaving the band clear @ the meeting the night before, both S (cutting an adhoc dash) & R (back from SA), were both making silly faces at me to make me laugh, lovely, lovely people

x

H here, must go

x

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

quite a time

it certainly seems that way,

finished sleeping where i fall, peter coyote, fantastic, right up to the last page, a beautiful book, so i picked up vertigo, w g sebald, as i left the house today, keyboard on my back, on the way to a rehearsal with the band. i've read vertigo at least once, twice i think already. it is a killer. the first time i read it i was with E, a couple of years ago, i remember reading bits to her in bed, her not liking it... me loving it.

i went to jai krishna tonight, wonderful south indian restaurant that always sorts me out, i'd felt a little undernourished before. the falafel i'd grabbed this afternoon had given me that definate i am really in need of this food, this is nourishing me, feeling that jai often gives me. after my day i came home very much in need of sleep and food, so i napped for a few hours, then rose and jai'd, finally watching six feet under. i was reading in the restaurant & i was feeling a lovely cushioning from the talking around me, borne along by the writing. when my food arrived i was at the mercy of other peoples conversations, a largish group behind me talking at length about childhood, single mothers, separations... very glad to get back into the book near the end of my meal, a little digestive page or two.

earlier i'd been reading it in the dentists, where i'd gone to mind grace whilst josiah had her teeth done, then i'd been aware of talking as well, but i'd found it harder to concentrate, a small boy with his dad, the mum in there, similar situation to me & grace, only grace was sleeping, this boy was talking incessantly, rabbiting on while his dad ignored him, i'm normally very intolerant of people disturbing my reading but this was a small child, i looked over at sleeping grace, thinking of her when she can talk. although she talks alot now.

i went round there (josiah's) yesterday (monday) morning, passing by as i was wearing josiah's nice cosy top. i'd taken it to E's because i'd been so cold last week when i had that rude awakening, wandering around the park trying to get some sunshine on me, so i was prepared this time. i popped in to josiah's to return the top, josiah herself was still in need of sleep so i fed grace and chilled out with her for an hour or so while her mum got her head down. grace chatting away like anything, going to be very articulate.

i got a little bit of her charm today when she woke up on the bus home, me with my keyboard still, i went to the dentists straight from the rehearsal, i was beginning to really feel the rattiness of sleep & food deprivation, carrying the keyboard too... but grace and her charms, actually on the bus i was fine, that lovely interlude from carrying that public transport gives, i love the way she looks at me...

but there is another story to be told, quite apart from the great party i went to, (the gucci girls and their beautiful spare bedroom), it's been awhile since i blogged, no, this story concerns the sound module i've been after....

after my morning with grace i came home and picked up the hammer again, finishing the cabling stuff i was doing to get this house online, cedric nash was a great help and it's all looking groovy down there now. i went online to make sure it was still all working and i found the GEM piano module i've been looking for on ebay, and the closing time for bidding was later that night,

my first ebay bid, it was mine for several hours. i went and played with L (double bass) for awhile doing my stuff, then we had a band meeting (other band), which inevitably started late and went on much later than intended, i found myself out when i need to be at home tending my bid, not to mention the sopranos which i was going to miss. josiah videod the sopranos, i rang my brother and he said with jut over an hour to go i still had it, i left the meeting before the end to go to an internet cafe and be there for that moment, but couldn't find such a place around liverpool street after 11 o'clock. london let me down. i trekked madly over to charing cross for the easyeverthing shop, thinking it was a 24 hour place (i'm sure it had been at one time), no avail, tried to ring my sister, no answer, decided to go home and leave it in the lap of the gods,

and somebody had pipped me to it, the email announcing my pipping came at Mon, 23 Aug 2004 15:38:10 -0700, which i don't really understand, oh no maybe i do, so this is actually 10:38, exactly an hour before the cutoff. if i'd been able to get online in that last hour...

let it go r... let it go...

Saturday, August 21, 2004

new pc in our basement

spring clean day,

i've cleaned this floor,

& i've plugged in this computer for my housemates to surf the internet,

a longish job in my immediate future is to hammer in the cable holders so that this cable goes a circuitous route to the router up the stairs but it's pretty groovy tapping this in from here,

another party tonight, E not coming partly because i asked her not to, mean yes, long story...

x

Thursday, August 19, 2004

from dry to wet one thing

the sun is shining right now, about an hour and half ago i was sitting in the kitchen with spski, back door open, sun shining then too.

it started to rain, i was looking at the concrete immediately outside the backdoor, each spot of rain making it's mark. first one sheet, then another, filling in the gaps, then another, after maybe a minute it was a wet piece of concrete, but the transition from dry to wet.... heavenly, this weather, oscillating from sunny to showers and back again, will be creating this same effect @ billions of points throughout this city today.

after awhile all the men of the house were in the kitchen: me, spski, cedric nash, edge, new S, discussing the great storm of 1987 amongst other things.

cedric nash had told me that there was nothing more important happening in the world than my observation of the dry / wet concrete at that moment... cedric nash sure is a sweetie. this is a blessed time these 9 days or so that we have him here, before he goes out into the world again.

i was turfed out of bed at an ungodly hour today, found it hard / impossible to raise a smile as i left there. wandered through brockwell park looking for sunshine and a tea, neither were particularly forthcoming. walked into brixton, too early for my favourite bookshop, too early for most things it seemed, except for the workers cafe in the market. tea and 2 white toast, perfection. read a little of sleeping where i fall, brought tears to my eyes, although on this little sleep my barriers are down...

harbour walls still at that impasse after the rilke cutup, music for bash coming on, need to really grab hold of that jazz 3 rhythm, find a way to express it with thepiano without doing too much, possibility of putting a touch of percussion in there. thinking of brushes and hihats. playing in the theatre itself, in my mind, proving another potent creative space, came up with another riff for bash in that way yesterday...

& skyla came round yesterday, gonna gig with her and her outfit around the start of september, nice, easy enough to groove on, i guess i'm liking the idea of being the outsider in that situation.

so E, told her cedric's name for her, blind brixton E, she liked it i think. she needs i give. good for me the rude awakening, closing experience of the night being that, understandable as it all is, rooted in the same deal, not ashamed of us, but wanting to hide us away. flooded in 15 minutes back in april, still putting it all back together again. lying awake listening to the huge rain, knowing what it means to her, damp, midway through works, more delays.

and me today, could have just stayed home and been more able to deal with the world today, but actually, even with my grumpy morning, it was a lovely night, it's not all giving, i am nourished by it too... but it certainly seems exceedingly of the moment, temporary as that 15 minute flooding, i hust hope i don't spend months cleaning myself up again... i won't though, just looking for poetry...

the spanish trilogy speaking to me about my difficulties with harbour walls.

just one thing lord, from me and from these hills, and from me, and from strangers - for i know noone here lord...

one thing

x

Monday, August 16, 2004


cedric nash recieving the letter i wrote today Posted by Hello

community leading to perfect moments

about to go about my business for today, which is dropping off some arnica for josiah, dropping keys back to my work, hopefully meeting a few friends here & there. i've got porgy & bess (miles & gil evans) on shuffle, i so love certain tunes - i wish to travel randomly around the album, creating love for other tunes...

the tree surgeon from next door comes round asking for a bicycle pump for his girlfriend, nice fella, i saw him going into his own house a few months back with his gear on: i hope you're not going to chop any of their trees down... no i live here, and anyway i don't cut down trees i am a tree surgeon.. something about people often having preconceptions about men with chainsaws...

so anyway it takes a few more moments than one, rooting around for a bicycle pump, each one found and offered not quite cutting the mustard,... ending without success, oh well, nice to see you anyway, pop back when spski is here... a little bit of community, only a touch but enough, like seeing he woman who lives in the same house, different flat, whose name i never remember, she with her daughter, me & josiah with grace... tiny moments of community...

so i say goodbye to the tree surgeon (i know his name, but very few real names appear here), come upstairs and the moment in the first track on this album that i particularly love, when it opens out and starts grooving in that big, big manner, is playing as i walk into my room.

perfect

x

Saturday, August 14, 2004

big night ahead new shoes new tune coming on

harbour walls came about about after K's birthday, someone did a drawing for her which we spoke about, i suggested it could be a natural harbour, the sea, land... we spoke about safety, being at sea.

got a chorus/verse at the time, some of which i'll keep, but now it's grown. one of the tunes from that utopian event last sunday investigated against what i had and there could be a way forward. harbour walls as it was confused me somewhat, particularly because K was on my notation course at work and she asked if something musical had to be in a key, (to rephrase it, does a tune always have a tonal centre?), i relatively confidently said that in western music the answer was yes, then immediatley wrote a tune or two that had a fluid tonal centre - or so it seems to me...

so anyway, i think i found a tonal centre for harbour walls, (although it's ambiguous, i could lead the tune into a different tonal centre...), but the chord of that centre doesn't appear in the tune as it was, so in addition to finding ways to include the jam tune, i threaded it together forming what will probably be the verse, touching on the centre.... how complex it all seems written down.

but the interesting thing is that the tune i improvised over the new verse... after i'd slept on it i realised it was the same - very similar - to one of the tunes i wrote for grace when she was much younger, so now that tune is in there as well, also found that the cutup rilke line has a place in it. very emotional. tears close to the surface when grace's tune fit so perfectly... so it seems that it's for her, as well as being for K, and E. and for me.

the subject matter is safety, calm waters in harbour, storm without. offering shelter. also being outside, still in the storm, trying to navigate a way into your harbour. then venturing beyond our own safe harbours to embrace the world...

such a vast subject (as ever), need to find my own path wiithin it, to holderlin and particularly a line snapped shut like fate... a model.

so i'm leaving my safe harbour tonight, D (not the writer of a book about fiat cars) is throwing a party with auntie accident & auntie emergency offering assistance. leaving in about 45 minutes, wearing my new shoes. scary possibilities. E there & fuel too, may or may not keep that love is lies tune close to me...

Thursday, August 12, 2004

cut up rilke

a line snapped shut like fate and you stepped out, pensive, to meet me.

blessing funki g for a day

the day came, twas today. well, yesterday.

blessing, blessing, blessing.

newly ordained interfaith minister.

how many friends?

all (almost) of the godparents.

wild is the wind holding grace, surrounded by children, josiah coming in second chorus, oasis of calm, singing it again for L & M, lovely couple.

E there, first time we've seen each other for a month, driving me home with the top down, miraculously packed keyboard, 48 (no, 36) champagne flutes... still has my suit bag, leaving things places.

then chilled out with M on a mission, lovely man, spanish connection (even though he's eastern european), spoke of venues, gigs.

then on to funkis g's, God Ma G to some, rare pleasure, over from amsterdam for only a few days, flight back tomorrow. possible route for module through amsterdam. could both say, earlier that afternoon, very well, in answer to how are you?

well i'm very pleased to hear that,
well i'm very pleased to be able to say it.

R played me his tunes, cooledit used like a 4 track. ingenuity forcing music through cracks. (like music 2000 playstation people who can make complex tunes... relates back to my own early technology journeys).

then home on the 254 around midnight, that part of london from hackney to hornsey viewed through the rain spotted window at the front of the top of a double decker bus. through stamford hill where i used to live, on the outward journey told M that great story about the agapemonites church... same story i told to D that time, travelling out by train, the spire sticking out over hackney marsh.

she who is blessed Posted by Hello

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

text decant

paper plates, cardboard skates, plastic silverware, automobiles with disposable wheels and wigs instead of hair. Oh that's how it is.

29/04/04 13:25 spanna

Know its yer birthday round this time,so many blessings 2 u & may all your dreams come 2 fruition.Hope all well with u.On my way 2 Manchester 2 c The Cure.yipee

09/07/04 13:35 A

happy b day for yesterday R.... - hope u had a great 1. Lots of lov S R n th boys xxx

13/07/04 12:35

-- above recieved by me, below sent by me to myself to remind me... --

Darkness byron pessimist morbidly romantic

08/08/04 15:15 Cedric Nash

The audio encyclopedia

11/07/04 21:30 M

Love is lies, love lives in dark moments by shutting her eyes to truth, gazing only on fantasy, love is lies

16/06/04 16:22 E

Sorry to reply so late, i hope this doesn't wake you, tuesday would be great to see you, perhaps even to come to the cricket but near the end, speak in the am x

03/08/04 03:23 Dad

Babity bousers glasgow

29/07/04 23:41 G

drop of water brushes my fringe, lands on my tshirt as i gaze @ cable stuff & open sky voice booms must reach those rooms old & new x world open cos of web poem

09/06/04 19:13 K

www.angelfire.com/nb2/musicedresources/multcult

07/07/04 16:30 T

Download skinny puppy

01/08/04 02:52 H cello

Monday, August 09, 2004

el croonio

still searching for this piano module, hard searching,

gigged with the vintage keys last night, with the 7-piece. gig organised by M, who had been at the turaya gathering, the one who was jamming away with all and sundry in the early hours of sunday morning, nice vibe, improvisatory nature, so i knew there was going to be an interesting space at the end of the gig...

so we played, vintage keys came out well, although i missed my nanopiano inevitably... vk not quite there, some work with envelopes still needed. good gig though, some good jams, me and SE actually hitting it off earlier with a 5 thing, interesting... then beattree, M & B's band, lovely cellist, lovely tunes, (fire in the water),... then this interesting space opened out...

i started playing over the dj, track finished (one click 45 times a minute), the chords stayed,

D6 E7 B-7 B-7

SE came over, as did SQ after a while, the cellist too (L). got some nice cooking business going on with improvised vocals, M & me. L playing a line i gave her (E F C C).

E- F C C
A- Bb C C
C D- Bb Bb
(C Bb Ab Ab) didn't play last night but could have worked.

very nice. then into this, that i'd come up with in the soundcheck:

C-7 D-7 Ab/Eb E7 A- D9 D-b5 G7

with L playing the tune (Bb A Ab Ab A B C-), me trying to find a complimentary tune, lovely, lovely, lovely.

then into a couple of covers, for all we know, silly games. M finding the chords and playing a solo... hmmmmmm.

had a lift back with some french / english cats,

spoke to both M & S (proprietor) about doing more stuff there with my nascent band.

(this because i saw logic J @ work & he complimented me on my nascent mullet),

so all round positive stuff...

just gotta find this piano module now.

x

fantastic tree lined arbor offering shade on a brutally hot day Posted by Hello

Sunday, August 08, 2004

i'll be loving you always

on friday, having taken a fair few minidisks out with me to make sure i had the right one for evidence of students work, after the moderation i realised i didn't have my book with me, so i selected a random minidisk and set off on the journey home,

that minidisk was a recording i'd made over several weeks when my work with elderly people in newham was coming to an end, maybe 2 - 3 years ago?

one of the songs i'd recorded was called always. i think it's written by noel coward and it's sung by the ghost in blythe spirit:

i'll be loving you - always
with a love that's true - always
- - - - - - your plans
need a helping hand
i will understand - always - always
------ ------- -------
------- ------- -------
not for just an hour
not for just a day
not for just a year
but always

it appears a couple of times on the disk & on one the voice of this man is particularly prominent. so in my head, even though he can't have looked like the image i have of him, the song is being sung by this one character, a very rounded voice, quite ghost like, also quite like the voice of G - who worked with me under C all those years ago. back to the man on the disk though, i think he was bald. his voice makes him sound a little helpless.

so it's been in my head these past couple of days.

i slept very well last night, having returned from the camp to my own bed. when i came in i saw caroline and she told me we'd received a letter from cedric nash, i was too tired to read it then and i read when i woke up today. it was lovely. one ofthe things it's saying is that he's decided to leave london, which means of course leaving this house.

cedric nash came back from india just over a month ago, he stayed for a week or two then went off to france to take part in a meditation / walk with 160 others. he was due to return last week but he phoned and said he'd be staying out there, working on a house. i miss him hugely. when i heard he would be away for a further three weeks it struck me. when i heard today that he's begun the process of moving out this song came to my lips, i'll be loving you - always, and my voice broke as i was singing it, almost crying... made me want to call E, close this distance. then in fact i heard cedric nash on the phone to C, and she's just told me that he's giving his official notice to this house, so he won't be coming back except to get his stuff in a few weeks.

so this is sad, but positive for cedric, and surely will be positive for us in the end. inspires me to write to him, another one to add to that list.

x

rollercoaster ending 7 miles from where i was born

it didn't stop, from that thursday morning funking it up, into town with josiah & grace, finishing what we started, then over to the oval cricket ground to see my dad, in the members end of the pavilion, down to clapham to meet with my sister, then goodbye to family, coasting out to herne hill on a number 37 to see the pigs, A & S, S having been to kazahkstan, F there too, lives there now. really overstretched myself.

crawled into bed that night, my body refused to wake up the next day, wanted to be @ work by 10, ready for the moderator @ 1:00, finally emerged from the house around 11:30, eyes shouting at me at the top of the little lungs, contact lens a bad idea, incredibly bright sunshine, i felt & looked like someone who couldn't look after themself. walking in the shade i was just about alright, in the sunlight i just couldn't open my eyes, my feet taking me to the train fairly solidly but....

so anyway, got to work, set to it, the moderator came, i was fine. a couple of shaky moments of the kind that mean i'm doing things differently next year, but mostly a positive experience, validating my practise, pointing out where & how i can present things better.

but long, six hours.

then i came home and looked at my bed, and my bed called to me, and i thought about it. but i said no. i gathered K's bedroll, my sleeping bag & hooded top, gathered books, went out into the world, down to waterloo, met dr K, got the train to westhumble & boxhill. for the birthday / camping experience of SP.

and how glad am i that i did that. redhill about 7 miles distant so G said, where i was born. beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. great company....

but more on that later...

Thursday, August 05, 2004

short on sleep funked

it happened, C's face was a picture, early morning funk birthday.

i love the idea as well, all that energy & preparation for just 3 minutes of performance.

x

month away babysittin early funk premature end

so i woke up today with a phonecall from D (singer) telling me my sound module had been found, Y & C (Raison D'etre) had picked it up on sunday from the spitz, where i'd lost it exactly a month ago today, (sunday july 4th).

so i trekked out into the world on this very hot day, picked up the little fella. i don't know what it's been up to for this month but it don't work no more, and that is sad.

i mourn your passing, beautiful piano,
though flawed and broken, you were the soul of this place,...

so still thinking of new piano module, would be even if my nanopiano was functioning, a shade of chorus on the piano sounds that mean i just don't use it for pianos,

could perhaps hire in a kurzweil micro piano, for the gig on sunday and to check it out, but sadly no hire of a GEM realisticpiano,... the search goes on... (sorry for techno speak)

and then at 6 ish i went round and picked up grace, first truly on my own babysittin' - hard. rough with the smooth though, after a while she started oscillating between wailing and resting her head on my chest, gazing at me, eventually the wails grew shorter, the resting longer, and she fell into a seemingly slightly troubled sleep... all this to the sound of frank sinatra singing only the lonely, the whole album, which perhaps gave her some stability but sure was great for me. josiah came for her around 8, and then me & K got right onto writing this funk thing,...

although to be fair he'd set it up, sampled bass and drums, chords & initial structure. really got us going and hours later we were deeply involved in it. tomorrow we're performing it live (with T & samples) at 8am, to wake up C on her birthday, a long held fantasy of hers. lovely tune, and really lovely to be thinking musically / arrangemently.

so i finally get down and check where my chess is at, and to my chagrin i've just won a game because my opponent (cryptically named chmrg) has timed out. i should point out that i do like winning, but timeouts are a rubbish way to win, i didn't win anything. we were evenly matched a long way into the game, the temperature had been increasing and it was getting damned interesting.... so is there a way i can continue this game with chmrg? watch this space...

x

Tuesday, August 03, 2004


grace also Posted by Hello

grace Posted by Hello

andrew hill same actress? palace at 4am

listening to andrew hill, grass roots, on cd, actually the second half now, a different band, not quite so beautifully recorded, maybe a little more out there & wayward like he was when i saw him a few years ago here in london, lovely, lovely, lovely.

watched an italian film last night with K, the son's room, 2 things:

firstly is the actress that played the daughter the same actress who played giorgia in the best of youth?

YES. she is, a little look on the web tells me, jasmine trinca. fantastic in both films, best of youth a later film and a meatier part, similar shot at one point which i don't want to tell you about in case you haven't seen either film, so look away,

HIOHlkelhroihewfugrievingfamilyunitthreepeopleholdingeachotherguuBUILD

then secondly, at some point there is a character called Arianna, who writes in a letter: "this letter will not be as beautiful as the letter you wrote me...", then another character spends a long time trying to write to her, to no avail,

echoes someone in my life, who hasn't been in my life for awhile but who pops her head up occasionally and i really should write to, texted me just before my birthday saying she knew my birthday was around now & loveliness & loveliness and when i tried to text back i found i couldn't, couldn't match how lovely she'd been,... i have some things of hers, a letter & a parcel is due,

andrew hill hitting a certain spot between straight ahead and wayward as i write,

lastly, i saw a dance thing mentioned in timeout, the palace at 4am, where do i know that title from?

x<>

Sunday, August 01, 2004

best of youth sleep patterns awry

so in fact i did play @ that party last night, there was a keyboard down there, a cheap keyboard just like one of the keyboards i teach on @ college, (cheap so we can have 8 of them). got berated by some nutty guy after i'd played, "if i had a band and one of my musicians arrived for a gig without their keyboard i would be really angry..." comic berating but an edge of truth, how much is my arriving without my instrument an expression of apathy for that band?

well, more apathy for the gig, which in the end turned out really well, but also having seen them play as a 5 piece on thursday night, i know it's an option, playing without me, and i'm interested in how that works, still thinking of not being there. checking out this insane sax rock funk outfit as the time of my last train home came and went, i had that "oh here goes", in for the night again feeling.

we played around midnight, had a nice, nice time for much of the night, chatting, meeting people, laughing, there was man restoring a piano there, he'd been at it since 10 that morning, just before i left to catch a lift home about 7ish i was searching round with him to find a crucial brass nut that he'd lost after he'd aligned all the keys correctly, before he put on the hammers, he said he'd been at it for 21 hours already, i was torn between staying and playing the thing when it was ready, and skipping out and to my bed... my bed won.

crazy mix of punks, hippies, ravers. a little agro, P involved somewhere in it perhaps unsurprisingly, at one point SE was on stage singing this repeating line that he'd been repeating for awhile over a cooking groove laid down by BeatTree, SQ helping out on percussion with one of our drummers B, M on bass and M on guitar. someone asked them to stop because there were loads of police around the front of the party, an ambulance had been called for someone and when they'd arrived a fight had been going on, so they'd called the cops... small amount of quiet which i took advantage of to say my goodbyes, not realising i still had some piano business to attend to before i luckily got a lift home.

and then SN, diplomatic staff, came round to get his stuff from storage here, i had about 4 hours sleep, 7:45 - 11:45am, then i went to the OTHER cinema to catch the last showing of The best of youth part2, part 1 i saw on wednesday with spanna, and it was truly magnificent, i started crying about an hour in and i didn't really stop until it finished 2 hours later. nice moment of kinship with a fellow viewer @ the end, a few words about the film and the emotions...

as i left the cinema rupert street accross shaftesbury avenue from me was blocked off and there was a sound system, loads of ravers, nutty scene, people dancing on those odd cabinets by the sides of the road...

i drifted home and fell into bed, again slept from around 7:45 - 11:45pm, and now i'm slightly stranded here at midnight, the last two nights i've been up till 7ish, my body confused, although i think i'm just going to go back to bed, probably wake up arounf 4 / 5ish, that wouldn't be so bad,

x