the truth

so i got to meet andrew cohen last night, only to say how much i enjoyed his talk and to tell him a little about my relation to his teaching over the years, he asked if i was coming to the retreat, (which is going on right now), and obviously i'm not at it, bo's birthday celebrations today and anyway i can't afford to spend that much, but i realise that i would really like to do it one day.

he is a spiritual teacher who i was really ckecking out around the time i was leaving university through to when i moved to london a year or so later, at that time i'd been reading books on zen buddhism (& i read my christmas humphreys book on zen) by people like alan watts, also andrew harvey, andrew cohen was who i found at the end of that trail of writing, a living and breathing man. also his teaching seemed (and still does seem) to resonate with certain visionary hallucinogenic experiences i've had.

i had a long day of teaching yesterday, ending up with two of my students collaring me to go through their songs and find accompaniments to them (they're performing in the lesson next week - i performed wild is the wind in the lesson this week), which bothered me in the end because i didn't have much time to get to the talk, in fact i snapped at the last student, (who was taking the piss), so i was in a bothered state, not dissimilar to the state i was in just before i reached my sister on wednesday, in fact i spoke to E today & she told me bo was a little upset about what i said to her about her plans for today, on that day, i told K (sis) that i was annoyed by it but i hadn't wanted to sound so annoyed, anyway, a slightly dark place to be. i saw josiah very briefly, she in the throws of her first whole night without grace, it's hard...

so i got to the talk and got chatting to people, ended up sat next to a woman (L) from america who runs earthaction, she told me her time as an art teacher gave her many of the skills she uses now running this huge organisation. i found that in the early part of the talk i was overcome by sleepiness, even started drifting off in the way where you almost start to dream, in a way i was already dreaming.. but L was taking copious notes and following this i got out my pen and started writing a few things on my hand, that feeling of the point on my skin and of the focussing of my mind allowed me to be more with andrews words, i took off my shoes as well which was amazing...

the talk was great, he reminded me a little of edward said in his ability to create a really big picture and then take you through it.

i found that the whole experience really put me back where i belong, back to who i am. it's almost as if the darker, bothered me actually did fall asleep and my truer self remained.

the question for me now is whether i'm happy to leave it like this, where i go to see this man speak every now again and feel centred by his words even as i'm feeling challenged by them, or whether i want to go deeper into it. back then when i'd just moved to london i was struck by him saying freedom can't be just a hobby, it has to be the most important thing in your life. this along with the fact that i only ever saw andrew cohens books on their shelves made me take a step back, it wasn't the most important thing back then.

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