found some of my scribble on a piece of paper from 9 months back

This from 3/02/04, 9 months ago, curiously reflected in current events…:

it’s a sad thing to say goodbye,

as we left, godmaG & i from the college tonight, something had clearly happened, police had cordoned off a huge area, flashing lights, traffic cones, uniforms stood about,
- just what it was is not clear,

skryabin playing really loud,

- maybe i was transported to another time, ten years ago – exactly this version, - that feeling that i gave a lesson that didn’t quite hit the mark – and then no conversation with K after – kind of also an absence on my part? – at least in wanting that, - rare to be not fussed, but then as we left – g & i, suddenly covered in a blanket of snow, - almost as though i’d buried my feelings & then found myself buried,
as i left g @ the busstop the thought that my waking up from this dream – waking up with that unpleasant feeling i get when i wake up from sleep walking (moving) – maybe this shift in my emotions – registered so large on the local map – the police had to cordon off the whole area..

because on Sunday, as i sat in the royal festival hall after watching The Cabinet of Dr Caligari, i was struck by a blues, a real low moment. i was reminded of times when i’ve been closing something, like the times i used to have so many of when i would sweetly obsess about someone, then realise nothing was going to happen, dreaming as i’m wont to do, sometimes dreaming of someone else to mask the real hurt about losing someone, being amazed how well i’m doing, only to wake up after this flirtation has ended feeling as shit as i should have felt all along.

so the night before i’d been to her house, she who i’d once been so taken with, the same she who is featured in this thing from 9 months back, i’d seen her with her boyfriend & for the first time really accepted it, and was happy for them. on the way i still wondered whether she would be with him, still kept a part of that dream alive, now that dream is really dead, and this low i felt maybe the mourning for that dream…?

E phoned around midnight tonight, she's off to Thailand for a spa treatment and thought her flight was tomorrow morning whereas really it was this morning (well, yesterday morning now, monday), our first conversation for ages, me a little distant, but i told her what i needed to tell her, not in a rush to see her but i guess we'll meet when she gets back from thailand..

M & her mum going to hampstead heath tomorrow, i'm not working until the night, hoping to get more of this skryabin tune under my belt, would like to play it @ F's do on friday night (obscure though that will be).

spoke for awhile with josiah tonight, going over there on wednesday, grace apparently looked @ her mum today and said Wa Ha?, makes me smile in that breaking my heart kind of way... x