all goddadded out

for the second time in a week i'm clambering back into the world after being wiped out...

after josiah came to collect grace yesterday (45 minutes late) i jumped onto the bike and raced into town, slightly unsure of the route, at one point i was faced with a fairly direct way to where i was going but it was all one way, the wrong way...

but i'm on of those irresponsible cyclists who doesn't care about small things like traffic coming the other way, it's often easier in fact, noone's overtaking you,

i arrived at the curzon mayfair with absolutely no time to spare... felinity was waiting patiently with the tickets to good night & good luck and we strolled in just as the film was beginning... good film, captures those tense times well, and it is a great story to tell...

afterwards in the lobby of the cinema she gave me a hat that she'd knitted for me... it's really lovely, a soft, warm yarn, good shape, and it's thin enough to go underneath my cycling helmet (i think) we went to a small pizza place that i realise now i've been to before, but with who i couldn't say... the picture through that link was taken in that pizza place...

lovely to see her as well, much to talk about what with the christening this weekend gone...

the cycle journey home was really cold, even with the new hat, i guage the coldness by how fast i lose feeling in my fingers and toes and last night was one of the coldest so far this winter... (apparently it snowed this morning, although i was fast asleep)...

when i got in i was absolutely nowhere, all engagements completed i had nothing to be together for and i just came apart, G got in shortly after me and i spent a lot of time leaning on her in a limp way...

i was surprised by the level of tiredness actually, compared to other grace visits i got more sleep this time, and there was less stress,

anyway today is happening very slowly,

many stories from grace's trip but i'll restrict myself to one which adds to the picture of exhaustion i've just painted,

we were going to go to finsbury park to see the swans, it was getting quite late and the light was beginning to fade and her mum was going to be due fairly soon so i wanted to get rocking, she wouldn't get in the buggy, so i told her that we couldn't see the swans without the buggy, it was too far, but we could still go to a smaller park...

she agreed to the smaller park sulkily, so we left the house without the buggy...

last time she'd stayed we'd been to that smaller park and she'd had a great time on the swings then screamed her head off getting off the swings... i was thinking about this and i decided that maybe we should just walk all the way to finsbury park for the swans... it would take longer but she did want to see them...

after one street i picked her up, intending to put her down again at the end of that street, pick her up for alternate streets... but no sooner was she in my arms than she fell asleep... at first i thought i'd just take her straight home again, put her in my bed... but something in me wanted to be true to my intention so i decided to go and see the swans...

and that girl is so much heavier now compared to when she was younger...

it killed me getting to finsbury park... it killed me having to walk around the building work they're doing there to get to the pond... it killed me that there were no swans there... and the pond surrounded by workmen, no nice bench to sit on and gaze at the water, no point waking her up i thought...

really thought about getting a taxi home,

but i gathered my strength and walked all the way back again, kind of similar sensation as when i used to carry my keyboard around, a feeling as though you can't actually do it, but then miraculously you find another strength you didn't know you had...

and when i got to my front door again she woke up and said oh, didn't we go to the park?...

that obscure trip had more to do with me than her i realise... trying to prove something i suppose...

it was a joy having her for the night and day, her dad has recently left the country & she's a little mixed up about it, although this only showed at one point... at the end of the three little pigs story she was mainly interesting in allocating the different brick houses to her parents and her... and sometimes me...

ok, that's my house, that's mummy's house, and that's daddy's house, and that's your house... no, that's daddy's house, ok you can have that house... no that's my house... ok, you can share that house with daddy...

x