darkness mass

just missed a slow train to didcot so i got the next fast train to reading and caught up with the slow train... i think...

cycling from didcot to blewbury i was struck with how dark it is at night in the countryside, living in london i just don't get this, except cycling along the canal sometimes but even then... out of the town i was craning my neck to see the stars, i had streetlights on one side of the road... passed east hagbourne there were no streetlights at all and let me tell you ladies and gentlemen it was dark...

orion close to the horizon, i think i saw the M shape of that other constellation i know... can't remember the name right now... but so many more that i don't know, one in particular SE of orion (if orion's head points north, which i'm sure it doesn't, but i hope you get my meaning) a cluster of stars some strong some faint, kind of in a V shape... of course i was cycling along the road so i didn't look too closely at it, just got glimpses from time to time...

being blinded every time a car came towards me going the other way, that split second once they're passed when you can't see anything... and then when a car overtakes, the strange shape of the world that is illuminated by their headlamps... the changing shape depending on what is caught in the glow for that moment...

mum & dad & felinity here, brother D (& M) not here until friday now, the day me & felinity go back to the smoke... uncle C not feeling too good and staying at home so christmas is small this year...

my oldest friend M who i always see without fail on christmas eve wasn't up for it tonight, his cat got killed on the road earlier today... very sad... (these cats in this house are beautiful), tragic to lose a friend... hope to see him later on in the week...

so instead of drinking this christmas eve i went to midnight mass with felinity & mum & dad... walking to the church in the darkness with felinity she said oh... blewbury in exactly the way a character in monsieur said oh... (some place name i can't remember) in the passage i read on the train down here, which the narrator of the book said was just like saying oh... childhood

the midnight mass was maybe the first church service i've been to since i crept into that ruined but functioning church in herne hill that sleepless morning after an all night party @ my house (when i lived down there)... sat through a service finding great comfort in the words that i'd said in church as a child...

funnily enough tonight the words had changed a little, the lord's prayer with you instead of thy... but still a resonance with growing up, the excitement of communion, taking of the bread and wine... strange how visible it felt tonight walking up the centre of the church, a few familiar faces around but almost noone who recognised me (that i could see)... communion still very strong... rooting the service in that visceral experience of eating and drinking...

clever christians...

an eerie mist had lights casting strong shadows as we left the church and walked home, in particular the first sight i saw as i was walking out of the big wooden door, a grave stone in the shape of a cross caught in an over head light than shone from outside of the graveyard... moving...

must get to bed, christmas day itself later on this morning and i can't stay in bed as long as i do @ home...

x